the warmth of your love like a blanket in winter. Allow your voice to drown out the lies of despair. You are the God who rescues, who holds, and who heals. We trust in you for brighter days.

Jesus did not promise us a perfect life. He suffered with anxiety when he was in earth. We are not exempt from this. He did promise to be with us through the depression and anxiety. He asks us daily to give it to him. It’s a broken world, you will survive. He will not forsake you. Stay in his word, repent for sin, eat healthy, go for king walks, sing his praise. Stay close to him.

I miss praying and reading with you. I treasure all the memories of reading and praying with you throughout your life, even before I became a Christian when you were close to five years old, and I was twenty-six. I have zero doubt that you already belonged to Him because you were still completely innocent and could not have been of the age of accountability yet. However, you responded to the true gospel message I shared with you, and we prayed in a new and more meaningful way from that time on.

After that, we experienced numerous answered prayers and encounters with God, as well as witnessing His clear and unmistakable hand of provision and providence. He worked in some of those ways before we officially met Him, and I was able to see all the previous ways He had intervened as though we were both already His own. Maybe I’ll briefly delve into more of those subjects later.

I cherish the memories from your high school years, when we would pray in both good times and trials. We would pray together and separately for your cramps and backaches, and many times your pains would lessen or leave. We would also pray after most of the frustrating appointments with your doctors, nurses, and different specialists, where they’d routinely tell us we just had to accept your cramps as they were, take Naproxen, and hope you would grow out of them someday. We left many appointments feeling discouraged. That led us to a greater dependence on God in prayer rather than on mankind, who regularly let us down, just as in the custody battles. That all increased our reliance on the Lord. We prayed together for His guidance, strength, and endurance after such things, and He led us forward each time. He accomplished many great things and alleviated a lot of pain for His own good pleasure, with and without our prayers. And sometimes, He comforted the symptoms by using various heating pads, freezer packs, different types of massagers, hydrocortisone creams, Zyrtec, warm baths, Tums, Gas-X, constipation-alleviating supplements, and Naproxen.

That all-too-familiar feeling of discouragement for lack of answers has come upon us just as frequently in recent years, especially after many of your doctor appointments. I no longer attend your appointments in person as I once did, but I have felt the same way after receiving your calls and texts following the appointments in recent years. Times like those have led us again and again to a greater dependence on God in prayer, just as before. Back then, I prayed for His strength and guidance for us with you in person, but now I pray those prayers for you and with you in spirit. And just as back then, He leads us forward each time. I have zero doubt that those trials prepared us for the battles we face in recent times. We’ve had many victories, and we’ll have many more.

Back then, you only had one to three days battling physical pain per month, and I know in the last couple of years, you’ve had many more symptoms and different kinds of pain, many of which last all month long. I’m sorry for all the pain and suffering you’ve endured. I know He has a purpose for what He has allowed and that it will be for your good and our good. I believe we are close to a breakthrough. I’m sorry you’ve had to use all those physical therapies and many more since. Still, I’m thankful for our access to them and other things you’ve discovered that have helped you since (e.g., Lactaid, a less triggering diet, lidocaine), even though they often barely take the edge off.

After high school, you discovered ways on your own that reduced the severity of your cramps far more than years of your mom and me searching for answers from the experts. As insufficient as she and I, those specialists, and other doctors were in many ways, your mom and I searched every avenue we knew of or were advised to explore. We thought we were doing everything we could at the time. Heindsight is 20/20. I wish I had read a lot more for myself, instead of “trusting the experts.” You discovered your intolerances, limited dairy, and then other things, such as gluten, soy, and beef, all of which were very impressive findings on your part, even if some doctors had some input on a couple of those. 

For many years before that discovery, I had purchased many soy-free products and often bought a wide range of gluten-free and wheat-free products. That was driven mainly by my awareness of their high GMO content, which was more commonly found in conventional products. Additionally, many of the organic products I purchased for us were also free of wheat, gluten, and soy (in essence, as icing on the cake) without my knowing that they also benefited you in other ways. Even a broken clock is right twice per day. Even though I bought plenty of organic products that still contained those allergens, God limited your consumption of them to some degree. So, you and He are impressive, and I was merely somewhat helpful by accident.

Other than a doctor named Naboot, who suggested a dairy fast that we all should have put more effort into, Naproxen was the only good suggestion I recall from any of the other Doctors. We tried all the other ideas on our own. In high school, you discovered those body squats and maneuvers on your own, which helped you pass gas, which in turn alleviated many of your cramps. I was impressed with that as well. I’m a little foggy on when we realized how much the Gas-X and Tums helped you, but you get most of the credit for trying those, too. You and I tried various stretching and workout techniques that helped your cramps a little. I don’t know if you remember hanging upside down from my shoulders, back-to-back with me holding your knees, for inversion therapy before I bought the inversion table for you, lol. Additionally, we would regularly hang by our arms in the pull-up position to stretch our backs. Additionally, the posture strap provided some relief for your achy back.

At some point down the road, you started doing aerobics on your own with people on video, which helped loosen your muscles, and you said it often seemed to alleviate some of the cramps during the upcoming menstrual week. When you occasionally invited me to join in, I could rarely keep up with you. All those things helped with your cramps and back pain to some degree, but I hated not being able to do more for you.

My best help was emotional support, love, fun, and, most of all, prayer, reading, and ensuring that we heard the preaching of the Word regularly, as well as apologetics (which are all essentially expressions of love). I encouraged our engagement in activities such as stretching, exercising, drinking clean water, eating quality food, getting plenty of sleep, and taking time for rest and free time. 

Just as with your abdominal pain in high school, I’m sorry I can’t do more for you now or over the last couple of years. I’ll continue to do everything I can to help, within the limits you allow. First and foremost, I’ll continue to pray for you. The best thing I ever did for you, in terms of your physical, emotional, or spiritual well-being, was to pray for you and teach you how to pray. Second to prayer, I always tried to encourage you and inspire you in every area when you were growing up. I’ll never stop trying to encourage you, to the best of my ability. 

Besides teaching you about God, I also tried to instill in you street smarts, a deeper understanding of life in general, and the importance of being loving and kind. I always made sure our home was a place of fun, laughter, and love. I hope some of those laughs and good memories still come to mind from time to time. From before you were born, one of my life’s primary missions has been to keep you safe and happy. I also did my best to ensure you felt secure in our home and within yourself. I also tried my best to help you feel that way elsewhere, too. I made sure you felt accepted by your dad and tried very hard to keep you feeling secure in who you are. I did my best to ensure you had a positive self-image. With God’s guidance, I made sure our home was a stable place of refuge from the other challenges we faced in the world. I’m thankful your apartment is also a place of refuge for you now. As long as Jesus is our cornerstone, we will have refuge and shelter in our homes.

I so appreciate and value all the times in your life that we prayed together. All the times together in every other way, too. When you were young, we prayed with you in my arms or hand in hand. As you grew older, I often prayed with my arm around you, with your hand in mine, or even in an embrace. I know I mentioned it recently in this monster letter somewhere, but these are memories I will always treasure. By your teen years, praying with you was pretty much the only time you allowed me to hold your hand, lol. I also cherish all your requests for prayer in the years to come, while you were in Manhattan. I’ll always treasure the countless times throughout your childhood and adolescence when you were at your mom’s and would text me prayer requests (or sometimes call if she was away or outside). You’d ask me to pray about drama with her or for your cramp pains to cease as you got older.

 Being on my face in prayer for you back then, when you were in your bedroom here, and when you weren’t here, were always special times for me. I knew I was petitioning our Mighty God, and those prayers would not return void, just as His Word never returns void. My fellowship with Him grew when you were little, as I found solace in knowing the Lord was right there with me and also right there with you, by the power of His Spirit and presence, even when we were miles apart. His allowing us to enter His throne room is always a powerful thing. As sorry as I am for your pain, He’s used it to remind me to pray for you more regularly, cause me to talk to Him more in general, and to depend on Him even more. I know He is using your pain in those ways inside you also. I know He is working and using all this for many other things for you as well.

PRAYER AND HISTORY OVER

I’m thankful for God and for you, Madi. I’m grateful for your life and childhood, and I’m still excited for your future, too. I hope you never forget the great memories of your childhood. I know that many good memories can be unintentionally blocked out along with bad ones. As we’ve discussed before, however much of that has happened, I pray that more great memories come back to your mind and heart with God’s help. I have faith they will. Speaking of good memories, as much as I enjoy watching those childhood videos and looking at the pictures with you, considering how few we’ve gotten through, I think I’ll start watching some alone and sending them with you to watch in Manhattan, so you can enjoy them with the Lord and anyone else you choose. 

I’m grateful for your childhood, even though there was some heartache. You were a happy and active child who had lots of fun and adventures with many friends and family members who loved you unconditionally and liked you very much. Even the family we didn’t see often, from the young to the old, from girl cousins to boy cousins, were always drawn to you more than each other, and they were all fascinated by you from the earliest age.

Neighbors and other parents at school functions (e.g., field days, field trips, parks, recreation centers, arcades, practices, sports games, recitals, vacations, lakes, and other most other activities and fun things we did), as well as my friends who interacted with you and watched you play with their children, were all drawn to and impressed by you. I know, because I was always there discussing it with them. Of course, their children and virtually every other child who crossed your path at parks and elsewhere were always attracted to you as well.  Animals too :-). Everybody wanted to play with Madison. You truly are and always were pretty neat. You also loved all other children and animals. You saw the ones you didn’t know as friends the moment you laid eyes on them. I’ve written about such humorous instances elsewhere.

I’m also thankful for the many years that followed, even though you experienced some challenging times of drama. You primarily finished your adolescence with a couple of years of mostly sanctuary here between 2016 and 2019, living here for most of that time after the drawn-out custody battle, mediation, and counseling circus. Everything up to then and your fiery trials since have all been part of the symphony God has written for your life. It’s all part of the beautiful canvas that’s not yet complete from our human perspective; however rough and bumpy it currently remains, it’s still a masterpiece in the making.

 

Still, I’m sorry for all the pain you’ve had to experience, particularly the recent years of physical pain you’ve experienced, which has understandably caused emotional pain. I want to remind you that it’s healthy to reflect on our past blessings and our current ones, at least occasionally. We could never talk about, think about, or acknowledge God’s faithfulness enough. We couldn’t speak to the Lord enough or thank Him enough for all that He has done.

I may not be able to take your pain on myself, but I can keep asking the Lord to take it. We know He is able. We also know He gladly takes our emotional pain if we have steadfast and patient faith in His ability to do so. We know He always stays by our side through every kind of pain one of His children may experience. Sometimes, He takes away the physical pain; sometimes, He lessens it, and sometimes, He allows it to stay longer than we want. You know that as well as anyone, and that it can certainly be challenging to wait for His timing. However, it is always best to put Him first and trust in Him through everything in our lives. You are a trooper, and I will continue to be a prayer warrior for you.

I’m thankful for all the times God has relieved your pain, but I’m sorry that you experience it so often. I don’t do this often enough, but I’ve prayed for Him to wrap you in His strong arms of love and that you feel His presence in your suffering. I’m thankful that we can talk to Him so freely, regardless of the circumstances. I appreciate every time He has made you feel better, even though it has been temporary relief for many things. Praying for His daily bread applies to literal food and spiritual nourishment, but I believe that same sustenance applies to each daily struggle, too. Jesus has given you relief through our combined prayers so many times. I know He has relieved your symptoms regardless of our prayers and many other times when we didn’t even ask; I’m sure He’s brought you relief just for His own good pleasure many times. And no doubt He has worked, caused, and prevented things we didn’t even know about. I am more convinced than ever that your trials and suffering have protected you from something far worse and detrimental. He knows every detail in your life and every longing of your heart. He is working on so many levels beyond what we realize.

I know you are special to God! Please don’t ever forget that. I know He hears your cries and your prayers. Please don’t ever forget that. I know He experiences every moment with us, good and bad, even when we don’t notice it. Like you, I will continue to depend on and trust Him day by day. I’m proud of you for trusting in His sovereignty. I will continue to pray for your pain to lessen and cease, and for the continuance of our spiritual growth during this trial. I’ll also continue to pray for your long-term relief and your complete healing. I pray many other things for you, a couple of which are for your strength and perseverance. Among many other things, I’m so proud of you for those qualities, as well as your endurance and resilience. And more than anything, I’m proud of you for the time you spend with Him, no matter the amount. I hope you still spend quality time with Him every day and talk to Him throughout the day. I pray you do, and I have faith in you that you do so. Please never forget that prayer and His Word are some of the things the devil hates the most. And I know he hates it when someone with your attributes is in prayer and God’s Word. Satan knows you could be a devastating threat to the kingdom of darkness.

You’re practicing your faith as you’re being proven in the fire. Our faith is being exercised and put to the test. Trials prove our faith like Gold in a furnace. The furnace exposes fraud and reveals the authenticity of gold. Still, it also causes impurities in real gold to rise to the surface, where they can be scraped off, thereby enhancing the quality of what remains. The similarities are profound and stand out in the suffering saint. God has put verses like that in His Word for us. The authenticity of your faith, your faithfulness to God, your love, and your character are being revealed to us and others. As painful as it is, it’s making us better. Pure gold (and other precious metals and stones) put in the fire comes out of it proved pure; genuine faith put through this suffering comes out proved genuine. When Jesus wraps this all up, it’s your faith, not gold, that God will have on display as evidence of your victory; His victory.

That was also partially because I still worry sometimes, that you may not be convinced of the vast depravity of men’s hearts, or certain evil and greedy agendas that so many of them have. and when those types of men and women are strategically maneuvered into positions that influence policy in large agencies in government agencies, healthcare that have mostly decent scientists, doctors, and other employees.

I’m not calling you naïve when I say, I know at times you project your kindness and decency on people who don’t deserve it, even if you do so subconsciously. It’s because you’re a sweet person. Projection of good qualities and morals on others is an admirable thing done by nice people like you sometimes, even though it may be wrong to do so often. I know it’s easy to do that when we also try to give people the benefit of the doubt or try to assume the best in them or an agency.

 

As well, I fear that noble-caring scientists like you, noble ones in your sphere of influence, and the awesome potential of scientific breakthroughs like Biologics, could overshadow your view of existing dangers of many shots like the modified mRNA shots. I understand the concept of the shots by those with good intentions are exciting, but it’s no longer a dispute that they are unsafe.

The overwhelming evidence is available to those who want to know. I know you don’t like to talk about subjects like that and that’s why I don’t send you study after study (dozens peer reviewed) of the dangers that keep being discovered. I had to mention them for context of part of this apology. Sorry.

Those agendas have been written about openly by many of the Marxist and secular humanist visionaries and modern day perpetrators themselves for many decades. I know you believe most of my warnings, but I still worry you’re not convinced of just how widespread their beliefs and worldviews are. I think it’s likely more widespread than I believe. I imagine the types of cognitive dissonances you may have struggled with sometimes. I know I’ve likely contributed to some of them. We all have them at one time or another and if we have our fixed point foundation, we can work through the dissonance easier, praise the Lord. We live in a time where the truth on many things is becoming harder and harder to find for all of us. AI deep fakes is one way that will get worse, but that’s a whole other discussion.